Fandango in the Apse! Read online

  Leaving the mess, I went upstairs emotionally and physically drained, I didn’t want to think any more. In the small hours of the morning, I lay on my side in the semi-darkness looking at Eddie’s side of the bed. I’d given up trying to sleep. Every time I drifted off, unwanted thoughts crashed around my brain causing sparks, which pinged me back to full consciousness. A fear of the unknown throbbed in the pit of my stomach. My marriage was over… fact. Could I cope? Probably not.

  It was Sunday afternoon before Eddie showed his face again. I’d spent all day Saturday alternating between hurt, anger and acceptance. Eventually late on Saturday evening, following a bottle of wine, a large brandy and a whole box of Milk Tray, I’d phoned Alison. Other than suggesting I came up for a visit there was little she could do. She was of the same opinion as me; if Eddie was gay, the marriage was dead.

  ‘I can’t believe it, Eddie is gay?’

  ‘I know… I feel sick at the thought. I was thinking maybe all those women I thought he was with, were men.’

  ‘It doesn’t bear thinking about… I’m so sorry, honey,’ said Alison.

  ‘Anyway, I’m definitely coming up to see you tomorrow – I really need to get out of this house.’

  ‘OK, love, drive carefully, and I’ll see you tomorrow.’

  I was lugging my suitcase down the stairs when Eddie arrived. We stood looking at each other like strangers, me on the stairs, him in the doorway. He had two small butterfly bandages over the cut on his nose and what looked like the start of a black eye. The whole thing had a surreal quality about it.

  ‘Is that my stuff?’ he asked eventually.

  ‘No, it’s mine,’ I replied, shaking myself back to life and stomping down the last few stairs.

  ‘You’re leaving?’

  I dumped my bag by the door.

  ‘I’m going to Alison’s for a few days,’ I answered quietly. I wasn’t going to fight with him, there was no point. ‘Do you want a cup of tea? I was going to have one before I set off.’

  It was difficult to read his expression. Deflated might be a good choice. He had obviously come expecting another fight and now seemed at a loss.

  ‘Um…yes, that would be cool.’

  Cool? Cool? Eddie never called anything “cool”. Jesus, he sounded like a teenager. I wondered, but refrained from asking in order to keep things civil, just how old this Ethan was? When Eddie followed me into the kitchen, I could see a definite change in him. Already, he didn’t feel like the Eddie I knew and it wasn’t just down to the new clothes he was wearing, although they were definitely more trendy than his usual attire. Ethan’s influence, I guessed.

  ‘How are you?’ I asked, handing him his tea.

  ‘I should be asking you that.’

  ‘Me? Oh, I’m marvellous,’ I said, with more animosity than intended.

  ‘I’m sorry, Katie.’

  ‘For what?’ I had to ask. ‘For not telling me you’re gay, or for blurting it all out, because you didn’t intend telling me, did you, Eddie? Come on; tell me what you’re sorry about?’

  ‘I’m sorry I hurt you. I honestly didn’t want that,’ he replied calmly. ‘I’m not sorry it’s all out in the open, though. I couldn’t live a lie any longer, Katie, it wasn’t fair to you, me or Ethan for that matter.’

  ‘And what about the children, have you thought about them?’

  ‘Of course I have, they’re what’s kept me here so long…’ I winced at that. ‘I’ve tried,

  Katie, but I can’t fight this, I need to be with Ethan.’

  For the first time I thought about how difficult his life must have been. He loved Ethan; I could see it in his eyes when he mentioned him. How hard it must have been to put up with me and my problems, when all he wanted was to be someplace else.

  ‘Well, thank you for seeing me through last year, Eddie, I’m grateful,’ I felt obliged to say.

  ‘Don’t, Katie. I can’t bear it if you’re nice to me.’

  As we stood barely three feet apart, I could see the chasm widening between us. I had lived most of my adult years with this man, yet I had never really known him.

  ‘When did you… have you always been…?’ I couldn’t get it out.

  ‘The first time was years ago. It scared the life out of me; I think that’s why there were so many women.’

  ‘Then you met, Ethan?’

  ‘It felt so right, Katie.’ Eddie looked like he was pleading with me to understand.

  ‘It was never right between us, was it?’

  I looked at the expression in Eddie’s eyes; it told me everything I needed to know.

  ‘So what now?’ I asked.

  ‘I wanted to talk about that. We’ll have to sell the house, is that OK with you?’

  It wasn’t, I loved the house, but I knew that even if Eddie paid the mortgage, I’d struggle with the day-to-day bills. It was a big house and it cost a lot to run. Anyway, perhaps it was best to have a fresh start. I nodded my assent. The rest of the conversation followed the same lines. We agreed to a fifty-fifty split on everything and Eddie agreed to be with me to tell the boys of the imminent changes in their lives. We had ten days before they were back to decide how much they needed to know; it wouldn’t be easy.

  A six-hour drive tends to focus your mind, don’t you think? With only the odd break to make sure I was still on the right road for Nottinghamshire, I thought exclusively of the previous few days. I was trying to work out what was affecting me most. Certainly, my pride was hurt; a man was usurping me, for God’s sake. That brought all sorts of connotations to the surface. It was embarrassing to think about all the times I’d pranced around naked in front of Eddie. Did I disgust him? Was he looking at my curves and wishing for the hard straight lines of a male body? God, it was horrifying to delve too deeply.

  I was also dealing with the uncomfortable thought beginning to take hold, that I was actually more upset at having to leave my home, than losing my husband. That was bad. I didn’t want to examine that too closely either, I was afraid to acknowledge what it said about my character. I’d been living a lie for years and could honestly admit to myself, at least, that I would have preferred to go on living the lie rather than having to deal with the truth. How sad was that? How sad was I?

  Then guilt never far from the surface reared its ugly head. Was I such a shitty person that I had driven Eddie into the arms of a man? I thought of the nasty things I’d done, the other men, my selfishness. My mother’s words echoed in my ears. “We get what we deserve”. How many times had I heard her say that? I wondered if it was really true.

  Alison’s home was a balm for my shattered soul. I let the daily life of the busy household wash over me. The constant noise from the three boys and Missy the only girl in the family precluded any activity other than joining in. There was no time to think, which was exactly what I needed. Alison’s kitchen was the hub of the household; big and untidy, it served as playroom, cookery class, and any number of other uses.

  On my third day, I was sitting at the big kitchen table watching Alison help Missy make fairy cakes, and wondering at her patience. Missy had cake mixture everywhere, except in the bun cases.

  Twelve-year-old Luke was sitting at the far end of the table, helping Josh, two years his junior, with homework, and George was where he always appeared to be – in the garden. The six year old, had an affinity with animals and had managed to acquire quite a menagerie. He spent his afternoons feeding his two rabbits, six ferrets and an unspecified amount of their offspring.

  It was fantastic, but it also made me aware of the lack of soul in my own home. Whether it was shades of my mother, or Eddie’s orderly ways that had rubbed off on me, I couldn’t be sure, but I knew there was no way I could stand the clutter and chaos, yet I wanted to be able to: I found myself longing for Alison’s way of life.

  Don’t you think that’s the root cause of so many problems? We always want what we don’t have and then if we manage to get it, we’re not sure we want it after all. The
re was as much chance of me kissing the Pope’s arse, as there was of being happy with so many kids and the mess they accumulated, or with big, burly, constantly jovial, Mark, for that matter. Don’t get me wrong: he’s lovely, but just too damned happy all the time. But, I’m a contrary cow, and knowing the facts didn’t stop me wanting to change them.

  It wasn’t until the day before I left that Alison broached the subject of my ridiculously fucked-up life. We were in John Lewis having a late lunch, having just dropped Missy at nursery, about which, the four-year-old wasn’t best pleased. Used to the constant attention of three, over-protective brothers and doting parents, she didn’t like being one of many. Apparently, the tantrum I’d witnessed was par for the course.

  ‘Mmm…’ Alison’s eyes rolled with pleasure as she took a bite from her, oozing with cream, chocolate pie. ‘You should have some, Katie, it’s heavenly!’

  ‘With my hips, are you mad?’ I laughed.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with your hips, and…’ she quipped, ‘a little of what you fancy, does you good!’

  ‘Ha! So say you without an ounce of surplus fat in sight.’

  ‘What? You’re joking, you should see the cellulite, but to be honest, I couldn’t care less.’

  ‘No? Well I wouldn’t either, Ali, if I had your life.’ It was the wrong comment to make and it sobered Alison immediately.

  ‘Oh Katie, was it a bad idea for you to come? I never thought,’ she said with a worried expression.

  ‘No! God no, it’s been great, just what I needed.’

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Of course.’ I smiled.

  ‘Have you thought about what you’re going to do? It’s completely over, right?’

  ‘Completely.’

  ‘It must have been a huge shock. Jesus! If I found out that about Mark, I don’t know what I’d do.’

  ‘I don’t think there’s any danger there, Ali. I’d forgotten what a great guy he is,’ I remarked. ‘You’re so lucky, the pair of you.’

  ‘Listen, Katie, I’ve had an idea. Mark told me to butt out, let you make your own decisions… blah, blah, blah! But you know what a control freak I am.’ She laughed.

  ‘So what is it… your idea?’

  ‘Why don’t you move up here?’ She leaned forward and rested her chin on her hand while batting her eyelids. Her grin almost split her face in two. ‘Whaddia fink?’ she said comically.

  ‘Crikey, Ali, that’s some idea.’

  ‘But a great one. Think about it, what is there to keep you in Exeter?’

  It all seemed perfectly simple when she put it like that, but my God, it was a huge undertaking.

  ‘I don’t know, Ali, there’s the boys school to think about, is it fair to move them, given what else they have to go through?’

  ‘Mark said that too, but I’ll tell you what I told him. It couldn’t be a better time. It’ll be a fresh start for them. If you move near me, they can go to the boys’ school. I know they haven’t seen each other for ages, but you know what kids are like, they’ll pick up where they left off… come on, what do you say?’

  Listening to Alison, it sounded like a good idea, but it was way too early to make a firm decision.

  ‘I tell you what,’ I conceded, ‘you have a look in the estate agents and see what’s about and I’ll have a serious think about it.’

  Alison clapped her hands with glee. ‘I knew you’d go for it.’

  ‘Hey, calm down, I haven’t gone for it yet.’

  ‘Ah! But you will…’

  Chapter Twelve

  Six weeks later, the house was on the market, I’d had two viewings and an offer, which Eddie refused – he was holding out for full price. The boys had rebounded surprisingly well from the news of our split-up. I was conscious that it was probably the gifts their father had showered on them that made the whole thing more palatable. Children can be so fickle; a new bike and oodles of toys sort out so many problems. Mind you, it was all still relatively simple for them. Eddie hadn’t yet moved to London and he’d introduced Ethan to them as “Dad’s friend”, nothing more. They spent every Sunday with their father and if they thought it strange that he was sharing a flat with Ethan, they never mentioned it.

  The only fly in the ointment as far as Eddie was concerned was his parents. Jean and Arthur were mortified. As their only child, Eddie could do no wrong – until then. Arthur adamantly refused to speak to him and Jean was a tearful wreck. I almost felt sorry for her, but not quite; too many years of her frosty disapproval had driven an insurmountable wedge between us. However, I did detect a thaw in her pitying looks and therefore, refrained from telling her exactly what I thought of her over-indulged son.

  As you can see I was holding my own quite well under the circumstances, in fact, I was surprising myself. I was busy making plans, which helped. After consulting the boys, we made the decision to move to Nottinghamshire. I was working on the premise that a fresh start was the best way forward. I’d spent the weeks before poring over house brochures with them and we had now narrowed it down to three possibilities. As Eddie had accepted a revised offer on the house, we were off up to Alison’s the following week to view them.

  Stacey, who I rarely saw these days – she had proved very much a fair-weather friend the previous year – called in for a coffee. To be fair, it must have cost her not to say, “I told you so” as she flicked through the pictures of three-bedroom semi-detached houses, situated in less salubrious surrounding than we were presently in. To be honest, I couldn’t have cared less. The houses were all new builds on nice estates, and I felt I could be happy living in any of them.

  I couldn’t blame karmic forces for what happened next, there was only one damned culprit. Eddie, the bastard, had double-crossed me. Can you believe it? I’d received a letter from the solicitor giving details of the sale of the house and to my horror, I would only be receiving half of what I had been expecting.

  By the looks of it, Eddie had re-mortgaged the previous year. I couldn’t understand it; the house was in joint names, how could he have done it without me knowing? A phone call to the despicable rat told me all I needed to know.

  ‘But you did sign the mortgage papers, don’t you remember?’ he said silkily.

  ‘No, I fucking don’t, if you think – ’

  ‘Think back to just after your mother died. I gave you some papers to sign, remember?’

  A vague picture of Eddie coming into the bedroom with papers, filtered through. Oh. My. God, I did sign them.

  ‘You bastard! You knew I wasn’t in a fit state to know what I was signing, why did you do it? What happened to the money?’

  ‘The money’s been spent.’ His tone was flat, unemotional.

  ‘On what? What on earth could you spend that amount of money on?’

  ‘Katie, property in London is expensive.’

  ‘London? But this was a year ago, you…’ Then the truth dawned. ‘Oh, I see now, you planned this, didn’t you? You knew you were going to leave, so you thought you’d squirrel away as much money as you could. Well, you won’t get away with it, I’ll fight you every step of the way.’

  ‘I’ve worked hard for what I’ve got Katie; I don’t see why you should benefit from half of it.’

  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing; this wasn’t the Eddie I knew.

  ‘I see… so will we get anything Eddie, the boys and me?’ I asked, although was scared of the answer.

  ‘You’ve still got enough to buy a house, it might have to be a small one, but you should be fine. You won’t get much cash, I’m afraid, maybe a few thousand, and your car, but other than that, I’ve protected myself, Katie. You can do what you like, but remember: money is my business. Obviously, I’ll still keep up the maintenance.’

  ‘You are a low-life shit, Eddie!’ I yelled.

  I heard “Fuck you” before he cut the line. Isn’t it amazing how quickly everything turns nasty when money is involved?

  My emotions were in turmoil
after the call. I ranged between disbelief, fear and deep-rooted anger. Half an hour later anger had supremacy. I couldn’t sit still; I wandered the house venting my emotions. How could I have been such an idiot to trust him? He was a financial wizard; I should have known he’d pull a stroke like this. He was a fucking, two-faced, lying, poof, a shirt-lifter a…a... I couldn’t think of enough expletives to describe what I thought of him, well actually that’s not true, I could think of them, but writing them down would be a bit embarrassing. You’ll have to use your imagination – think how you’d feel if you were me. He wasn’t worth spit; he didn’t care about his boys. Ha! And I thought he was a good father? That just showed what a fuckwit I was.

  When I could think rationally, I made an appointment with a solicitor. My anger turned to despair when I left her office a couple of days later. She didn’t hold out much hope of being able to find the money Eddie had expertly manoeuvred out of my reach. She was willing to give it a go, but she had an idea he may have filtered it into an offshore account. Basically, he had pulled a blinder and I was screwed.

  Of course, I had to cancel the viewings and ring Alison to let her know why. She was horrified once I’d filled her in.

  ‘Come anyway,’ she said, with eternal hope. ‘We’ll just have to set our sights lower. There’ll be something… you’ll see.’

  I had to commend her for her optimism, I was of the opinion I’d be lucky to find a tin shack in my price range, and then maybe that was expecting too much.

  Five days after our arrival, I stood with Alison, Toby, and Sam in the wilderness that was the front garden of what looked like being our new home.

  ‘It’s not too bad,’ Alison chirped brightly.